We've been waiting 54 days so far for our LOA from China. This wait is tough
and I've really found it to be quite a rollercoaster of emotions. Some days I'm
perfectly content to wait for God's timing, other days I'm so anxious I can't stand it. But the past few days have mostly been spent thinking.
I've been thinking a lot about the hearts of my kiddos.
Brooklyn will be way
too young to really understand this thing called adoption that is rocking her
world. Although we talk about it, she will really just see that Mommy and Daddy
leave for a long time and come back with a little boy who she now has to share
her home with. She may adjust to this very well, but I don't want her sweet
heart for one second to think she has been replaced. I'm sure this is a
normal thought for any parent bringing home a new child; nonetheless, I worry about this.
I have been thinking about our little Charlie's heart. I always want him to know he is loved and wanted. I do not know the details of his birth family, nor will I
try to fill in the blanks, but what I do know is that his birth mother wanted to give him
life. She wanted him to be here. She will always have a hole in her heart as
she thinks of him. That's what mother's do; we want the very best for
our children. I believe, down to the deepest part of me, that we were in God's
plan for this little boy from the beginning. I am humbled by the opportunity to
love our Charlie everyday with the kind of love that tells him he is treasured,
he is special and he serves an important role in this world. Most importantly,
he is loved by his Heavenly Father. We want to be his parents so badly we will
jump through paperwork hoops, endure personal scrutiny and step (completely)
out of our comfort zones to fly to the other side of the world to bring him
home. We will mess up a lot in his life and he will struggle with doubts, I'm
sure, but I never want him to doubt our love.
I think about how we're going to step up to the challenge of being a voice
for adoption and an advocate for our child's privacy. We realize we will be a
walking ad for adoption everywhere we go. Our family won't look like every
other family, and I actually love that, but this will spur questions. People
will ask us intensely personal questions about our son and about how our family
was formed and I want to handle this with grace and patience. I pray that God gives us the
words, not only for ourselves, but for our children, too. Brooklyn and
Charlie will likely get questions at the park or at school about our family. I
want to empower them to respond to these questions with confidence, being proud
of who they are - who we are.
Obviously, my brain will not stop thinking about these things once Charlie is
home with us. I am trying to embrace God's sweet whisper in my ear to "Be
Still". Be still...maybe that's what God wants me to learn in these 54
days and counting. I won't have all the answers but, God didn't ask me to. He knew my abilities, and inabilities, before He called me here. He
simply asks me to put one step in front of the other in obedience as He lights the
path.
Tomorrow marks one month
since we officially submitted our LOI to adopt our Charlie. While I knew
logically we would not receive our LOA (letter of acceptance) from China within
the first month, it didn’t stop me from refreshing my email multiple times a
day just in case :).
The wait for this LOA is
really a difficult one because we have no idea how long to expect it to be. We
could receive the LOA next week or we could receive it two months from now. The
other steps in the process seem to have pretty good timeline estimates, but
this one seems totally random.
I am so thankful we now know who our child is
and have seen his sweet face, but it definitely challenges my patience. I want
to wait well, knowing God's timing is absolutely the best thing for our family
and just rest in that. But my heart longs to hold him and kiss his chubby
little cheeks. I long to lavish him with the love that only a mommy and daddy
can truly give. I long to tell him he's a perfectly made child of the most
perfect God.
I know that time will come,
it's the "soon, but not yet" I'm currently stuck in that threatens my
sanity.
Several families on my
agency's Facebook page have recently traveled to China to bring their babies
home and I love seeing their pictures and reading the blog accounts of their
trips. I met these families on the page when they weren’t even matched with
children yet, and to follow their journey to now having that child in their arms
is encouraging. It does remind me that this will happen. It's not just some
fantasy I've dreamt up, but we will bring our son home to his forever family
soon.
I read an article about
waiting recently that talked about not missing the "here and now"
while we are waiting on our desired future state to come to fruition. God wants to use me now and
wants to continue to transform me into the wife, mother and friend he wants me
to be. If I am so focused on the future, I might miss what he wants for me to learn
while I wait. This is my new challenge to myself - to listen to God and seek
him as I watch his plans unfold. These plans are his, after all.
I think Steven Curtis Chapman
says it best in his song "The Glorious Unfolding"...
And this is going to be a
glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and
you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe
the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise
God has made to us
And watch this glorious
unfolding
If you know anything about me, you probably know music plays an important role in my life. Lyrics can communicate how I feel better than I can usually express them and sunday morning we sang a song that filled me with peace and refreshed me like water to my soul.
In this crazy adoption journey, it's easy to feel lonely and uncertain about what's coming next. I love being reminded that The God who created the universe - who created the same moon and stars that are shining on our son - will never forsake us. That's a promise we can be certain of.
Verse 1
You were reaching through the storm
walking on the water
even when I could not see
in the middle of it all
when I thought You were a thousand miles away
not for a moment did You forsake me
not for a moment did You forsake me
CHORUS
after all You are constant
after all You are only good
after all You are sovereign
not for a moment will You forsake me
not for a moment will You forsake me
Verse 2
You were singing in the dark
whispering Your promise
even when I could not hear
I was held in Your arms
carried for a thousand miles to show
Not for a moment did You forsake me
CHORUS
and every step every breath you are there
every tear every cry every prayer
in my heart at my worst
when my world falls down
not for a moment will You forsake me
even in the dark
even when it's hard
you will never leave me
after all
CHORUS
not for a moment will You forsake me
Our social worker recently returned from Charlie's orphanage and provided us with THE BEST gift - video of Charlie in his orphanage!! I so wish I could share it with all of you now, but we want to be super careful to protect his identity on public sites so we will have to settle for sharing with you as we see you.
He is so precious and adorable and looks like he is being very well loved. I think we've watched his videos a million times already and I have to restrain myself not to show it to total strangers in line with me at the grocery store :). Brooklyn asks to see him, too - "Bubba? Bubba?"
My favorite part of the video is when Marissa tells the lady holding him "Yes, he has a family". It melts my heart every time I hear those sweet words!!
While these videos are SO treasured, they also make the days just a little bit harder as we wait to hold that precious little boy and call him our own.
I know this next step is out of our hands, so we continue to wait. We will be sure to update as we get new information and appreciate all of your love and support, as always!
