Day dreaming

I'm day dreaming again.....

I don't post my feelings often because they are so mixed up at times I don't know what I'm feeling from one day to the next.  I'm not sure if anyone reads this blog anyway, so I figured I would document some of my emotions for my child.  I want him/her to know how much I longed for them.

I'm day dreaming about them being home.  Playing with Brooklyn.  Rocking them to sleep at night.  I wonder what will be their favorite song?  I wonder what they will like to read and eat and play with? 

I day dream about the day we will meet them.  How will I feel?  How will they feel?  Will they see my face and see love or be afraid? 

I day dream about how they will look.  Sometimes I shop for clothes for them, putting things in my online cart and then deleting the cart because I can't order yet.  I don't know their gender or pants size or shoe size.

I day dream about their little personality (or if like Brooklyn, their BIG personality).  What will make them laugh?  What will make them jump in excitement?  What will break their heart?

I do know our child is out there.  It's so unfair that they are not with us now.  Why must we wait?

Why?  Because it's not God's time yet.  And I believe God is good.  That's all I know but it's enough to keep the tears away most days.  So for now, I just day dream about our life that seems so far away.  So impossible.  But God makes the impossible possible, doesn't he?

Hope to post soon with good news we've received our log in date with China and officially eligible to receive our child's referral!

Kisses in the wind

I know it might sound strange because, after all, we haven't even been assigned a child yet but the last few days I have had this strong longing for our China baby. Frustration that we have to wait so long and sadness that Brooklyn doesn't have her sister/brother yet and our family isn't whole. It's hard to explain how you can feel emptiness for something so intangible.

I read this poem today that brings tears to my eyes. This is what I wish we could send our child. I wish they could know just how much they are wanted....

KISSES IN THE WIND

I hold you in my heart and touch you in my dreams.
You are here each day with me, at least that's how it seems.

I know you wonder where we are... what's taking us so long.
But remember child, I love you so and God will keep you strong.

Now go outside and feel the breeze and let it touch your skin...
Because tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God hold you in His hand until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling, I'm doing all that I can do.

Very soon, you'll have a family for real, not just pretend.
But for tonight, just as always, I blow you kisses in the wind.

May God wrap you in His arms and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses that I send to you each night.

--- Unknown

Updates, FINALLY!

I know we haven’t posted anything in a few months and that's mainly because there hasn’t been much to say. We've been stuck in paperwork purgatory and we just got out!

Apparently we were on hold for a background check clearance for Oklahoma that was taking forever. We couldn’t get anyone to call us back or respond to our emails about the status of our request. Finally about two weeks ago I just called and left messages and emails for anyone I could be transferred to until someone finally called me back. And you know what it turns out I was waiting for?? A form letter from the state of Oklahoma that says they do not process background checks for non-residents! That's what I was delayed months for? Seriously?!? (ok, breathe, Stephanie, breathe....)

Regardless, I got the form I needed and we quickly mailed in our I-800a form to the U.S. government. This is a provisional approval to adopt internationally and takes about three months to process, which includes yet another background check. Once completed, we will get our 797 form from the U.S. and our agency can finally send our dossier to China where we can be "logged in" and officially eligible to receive referrals for a child. Yay!

It's a crazy thought, really, that our child has most likely been born already. He (or she) is probably in an orphanage now and may be alone and hungry. It feels like a punch in the stomach when I allow myself to think about it for too long so I try to focus on getting them here and trusting that God loves this child more than I do. We pray that they somehow, by some miraculous work of God, know there is a family waiting for them. A family who will love them unconditionally. We pray that they are warm tonight and getting love and good medical care and nutritious food to eat.

But someday, our new child will be home with us, and this means we need to prepare another baby's room! We hadn’t planned to do this until we were officially matched, but we got a letter in the mail last week that the baby store where we bought Brooklyn's furniture was going out of business and selling all their items at great discount to get rid of everything. Since we love that store and wanted to take advantage of a good deal, we went Saturday to check it out. To make a long story short, we are now the proud (and broke) owners of new baby furniture. We love it and it's the same brand as Brooklyn's so we know we'll be happy with it. This is the first "tangible" thing we've really purchased so far and it's surreal thinking about setting up this nursery. It's really going to happen....

We celebrated Christmas last week in Fredericksburg with some good friends and had such a great time together. We are so blessed and are soaking in these moments with Brooklyn now as she's still our only one. And, even when she's a stinker, we are loving every minute of it! We even got some pictures with Ahn the Panda!

Our next update might not be for a few months until we get that 797 form back. Until then we're just waiting, waiting, waiting.....In the meantime, we'd love it if you'd keep us and our China baby in your prayers.

Progress!

We have made great progress in the last several weeks!  How exciting!

We had our home study visits on October 4^th and October 7^th.  The home study is the process where our social worker (assigned to us by our agency’s local partner organization Lutheran Social Services) comes to our home to see our house and interview us.  We had to submit a bunch of paperwork in advance of this visit so she could get to know us beforehand – things about our childhood, marriage and parenting philosophies.  She checked our home to ensure it was safe and suitable for a child and saw a few child-proofing issues we needed to fix. 

She also interviewed Brian and I together and separately.  She asked incredibly personal questions about our families, our marriage, how we parent, our growing up years, and any and all difficult events in our life.  Honestly, I didn’t love it.  We are not used to having our whole lives scrutinized and questioned.  It felt like we had to reach perfection and we were far from it.  As many of you know, we have experienced some traumatic events over the past several years and this can be alarming for an adoption agency because they want to ensure we have adequately dealt with those issues before bringing an adopted child into our home.  At the end of our meeting, I reminded our social worker that we felt we were better equipped for adopting a child because of our past experiences, not in spite of them. 

³ We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. ⁴ And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. ⁵ And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.  - Romans 5:3-5

She has met so many families and heard so many stories; this truth is not new to her.  We remind ourselves that her job is to ensure that children are placed in the best possible homes.  Homes where they are safe, loved and respected.  Her questions (they are required by China, she didn’t just make them up) are to determine our motivations for adopting, the strength of our marriage as well as our strength of character.  There are too many stories of children being adopted internationally that are then abused, killed, or forced into slavery or human trafficking.  Too many more of these and countries could decide to no longer allow international adoptions so it is very important, for many reasons, that families who want to adopt are thoroughly vetted.  We understand this and want to do whatever it takes to bring our child home – no matter how uncomfortable the process may sometimes be. 

The next step in the home visit process after the visits themselves is the write up.  Our social worker will write up the information she heard from us into a formal report and provide her approval for us to adopt including what ages of child we are approved for, what special needs, etc.  This report is required to apply for the US government approval for us to adopt internationally (called the I800a). 

We turned in all of our paperwork for our dossier (adoption paperwork packet) two weeks ago to our agency and will add the home study and the I800a to our dossier when we receive them.  Then we wait until Brian turns 30 so we can submit our entire package of documents to China to receive their approval for us to adopt.  After that happens, we will be officially logged into the country to adopt and can start receiving referrals!!

Saturday, October 5^th was a training day provided to us by our agency partner LSS.  In order to adopt from China, we need 12 hours of training and this course provided us with 10 hours.  What a long day!  It went over topics from attaching to your child, to developmental delays and medical concerns, to how to incorporate and respect your child’s culture.  This is a very important topic and one Brian and I are learning more and more about.  Chinese culture will become a part of who we are as a family.  I am excited to learn more about Chinese traditions and celebrations so we can bring these into the traditions of our family.  We must remember that our child will have two cultures – the one they were born into and the one they were brought into.  They need to understand how to function in circles of people from different cultures and feel confident in their identity as a Chinese American!  We also loved meeting other families who are adopting and have a passion for adoption as we do.  Hopefully we can reconnect over our journey to provide support for one another. 

We went to Baylor for homecoming last weekend and took some great pictures of Brooklyn and Panda.  Panda is the stuffed bear we got to help us have something tangible to remember our child in China until we get to meet them in person.  Sometimes you can get so bogged down in paperwork it’s hard to remember there is a real child at the end of this journey.  We plan to bring Panda with us as a reminder to us of the child soon to join our family and to show our child just how much we are anticipating their arrival!

Here are a few of the highlights from our trip!

 

Thank you all for your support and prayers!  We love you!